Captain’s Audio Log – <date>
It’s a bad idea to take too close a look at this one, I might start to feel a little insecure regarding my fearsome reputation as an outlaw.
There’s not too much I’m certain of here. I reckon I’m sure we didn’t deliver any cybernetic lubricants to those Squonk Operatics on Edominar. The non-specificity of the contents of those tanks suited me just fine. Compounding that with the genetic identity of our similarly ‘ cybernetically lubricated’ surgeon might make a lesser man question his morality. Not I. You pay a man to deliver something, it ain’t that man’s place to question the contents of the weird sloshy tanks you put in his hold. I might admit to feelin’ a touch of worry about what would happen if that cargo was inspected by some of those Lagoder boys. What I wasn’t worried about was that newly minted marital bed using up too much of the Scesstile’s oxygen; Especially when “Bofus and Cordelia” sauntered off ship with not so much as a word. Thought nothing of it. Not even when my blast doors were being breached by unconventionally over-armed mail carriers did I think “it must’ve been the newlyweds.” Rolston? Sure. Sirocco? definitely. Vyron Vanks? You bet your ass.
Speakin’ of Vanks. I’m laying here, recording this, staring at that gods-forsaken “shower” he installed in my bunk, still. The crew might call me gullible, maybe they’d even be right, but you tell a man about heretofore unheard of frontiers in personal hygiene efficiency is he wrong to get a bit excited? Who amongst us could resist that? Not I sir, not I.
Getting’ a bit carried away with myself. We alight to Anubis City by way of Rose hill. Not much to look at, but they don’t charge much and it’s a little more discrete. Well, nary an hour passes after docking ‘fore we are struck with a most inopportune spell of lassitude. Rather than afford us the well earned rest we deeply and suddenly needed, the universe saw fit to visit upon us some serious men who claimed to be discharging their office of the post. Even in our lethargy, we reckoned they were, in fact, hard cases sent to maim or murder. Deciding to keep the postern fast against them, we emphasized our decision with the timely application of the blast doors. They opined their business still wanting of our attention so they cut their way through my goddamn hull. Violence and terror ensued; many were met with the exasperating touch of ‘non-lethal munitions’. In the end we found ourselves not overly put out and in possession of several hostages under the command of some unknown force.
We had to wait very shortly. Mr. Zu, commander of the formerly formidable force of what turned out to be Black Talon Corp. mercs, phoned to request the release of his men. I transmitted to him our distaste for his methods and a desire for explanation as well as the necessity of the expedient repair of poor Scesstile. He revealed to me the reason for his intrusion: Bofus was none other than a young heir to the Trinity Corp. fortune. He was in actuality being ransomed by Cordelia and the Black Talon’s services being utilized by his concerned uncle Vasili. The heart weeps. Given the efficiency we demonstrated by taking out his men, Zu agreed to refer us to the uncle in question. Never being one to turn down a Job, even on a galactic cloaca like Anubis City, we agreed.
Speaking to dear uncle Vasily, we learned that “Cordelia” had demanded an alarming sum of treasure for the safe return of young Bonifus a.k.a ‘little Bonnie’. Vasili was willing to pay it if necessity demanded, but preferred to locate the larcenous young woman and avoid making Trinity a further target of ransom attempts. We offered our aid in locating the loathsome kidnapper.
I tend to be a guy who knows a guy. The guy I know in Anubis isn’t a guy, she ain’t even human. She’s a frightful vampiric dominatrix, goes by Talzibeth, that may once have tried to turn me into some kind of crime/sex slave. Not the worst example of a former paramour I might call up, but very nearly. She’s also connected to just the sort of unsavory folk might know where to find a nefarious kidnapper posing as the recently betrothed. Contrary to any sane channels of thought, we paid her a visit
I ain’t about to dwell upon the ignominy suffered in our dealings with this ravenous creature. Suffice to say that in the end, the tables were turned, no one was dead and everyone felt a bit ashamed of themselves. She agreed to help out of a sense of what no doubt was gratitude for the noble sacrifice I made for her.
The rest can scarcely be described. The phrase ‘comedy of errors’ seems fitting. We ran into that most slippery of hygiene merchants, Vyron Vanks, lurking outside noble Scesstile. Turns out he glimpsed the ‘betrothed’ being carried off by some blackguards in a black panel van. Just as we were trying to put our investigative acumen to the test in tracking it down it all proved null as we got a call from Bofus himself who had woken up on a train, peeped that he was being tailed by unsavory men, snuck of the train and then called us.
Even this convoluted mess turned out less than it seemed. As it turned out, Vasili had already paid the ransom, the boy had been turned loose on a train, the “scary men” were in actuality Vasili’s security force attempting to collect him, and no one at all was in danger. Having been caught up in the spirit of the boy’s daring escape, I might’ve overcommitted to my playing along with his internal narrative in hopes of getting him to reveal Cordelia’s location. This involved a stealthy recon of another train station, wreckless driving, Sirocco’s earnest desire to drive on train tracks and much confusion and subterfuge. If I secretly and briefly dreamed up a way to collect the ransom for myself can I really be blamed? Either way he didn’t know shit and nephew and uncle were reunited and we got paid. For what, I can’t reckon. We certainly did a whole lot of something.
I guess we’ll call this one the easy job,